Thoughts of frustration, desire, happiness, and confidence.

It’s time for me to start blogging again on a frequent basis.

This year can be defined in a number of ways, from “a year of change” to “the best year ever” to “the gauntlet”—all of which are accurate.  And there are still over three months to go before it can be considered a full year.  My life entered and has remained in a state of flux.

The year began with my decision to stay off of all mind-altering elements, most specifically alcohol.  When most people swear off alcohol it’s because of a large negative experience affecting their lives.  For me, it wasn’t an addiction or even fun, it was a social thing to do with people who were nothing like me.  I got tired of it taking up my time—time better spent being creative, being active, being social, being educated, and just being me.  I also needed a motivating factor to get myself out of Marin, out of California, out of the United States, to Paris, France for 1/1/11—simply to get away for a while, and I thought that would be it.

I kept pushing with my photography, and about three months into my constant state of awareness and focus, I had a philosophical existential meltdown.  Doubt of what was real led to doubt of being able to question what was real, and that led to doubt of my ability to doubt doubt.  That really messed with my head.  For three weeks, I could not bring myself to trust anything, anyone, any feeling, any apparent “truth,” any question, and myself altogether.  My photography was the only thing that kept me sane.  I learned more about myself and the rest of the world in those three weeks than I had in the entirety of my life leading up to that point, and emerged with the realization that I was 100% responsible for absolutely everything I see, hear, taste, smell, and feel.  Existence was my responsibility alone, and it was time for me to accept that fact.

Things began to change within.  I started to like who I was, my desire to absorb and learn from my experiences was renewed, and I found out that my calling was exactly what I was doing—changing the world with stories told in images. I’m still in the process of changing my surroundings to match my character.

Being seen as “young” is a boon and a benefit, but more often a boon.  The people who have lost their understanding of creativity and gotten old and decrepit mentally could care less about my life experiences, my philosophical meditations, my mental capacity and acuity, my desire and persistence to follow my heart, my creativity, my character—it was only my age that made any difference in their perceptions of me.  I’ve had to learn to tackle the all-too-common “Oh, you’re young?  How would you like to give me your great images in exchange for your ability to use them in your portfolio?”  Wow, you’d let me show off my own images?  Cool!  That must be how my plumber built up his portfolio!  Yeah, sure, I can buy food, gas, business insurance, software, and expensive equipment with my portfolio images, lemme just cash in your check that says “nothing”.  Sweet!  I’ll be able to afford that air guitar I’ve always wanted.

Here’s a word I’ve been told I need to say more often: No.

I am young.  But I am not stupid.  If I was a lousy photographer, those people wouldn’t want me shooting their stuff for them, even for “trade.”  The truth is: I’m a damn good photographer already, and I continue to get better on a daily basis.  I do excellent work, and I expect to be paid accordingly.  If you want quality photos with a vision, come to me.  If you want cheap, buy a camera and shoot it yourself.  Even the “hobbyists” should charge according to how well they shoot.  One more side note: telling a photographer “your camera takes great photos!” is the same as telling a chef “your oven makes great muffins!”

Going back to the timeline, I continued to find truths existing within myself.  “No one changes, they just become more of themselves.”  What that really means is that everyone’s a little of everything, for if they weren’t, it’d be impossible to take the first step for personal growth.

In the last few weeks, my desire to do photography had a dry spell while I questioned if it was really the right thing for me or if I was just making it be the right thing.  Both were right, and I’m back with a camera in my hand, ready to take on the world.  (At my hourly rate, of course.)  I did what I could to stay away from shooting weddings and senior portraits as I didn’t want to be stuck being known as a small town photographer, but have created a list of wedding rates/packages once I realized the only one who would stick me there would be me.  My governing philosophy for my photography is that I’d rather have my images improve the world without my name on them than have my name all over images seen by fewer than twenty people.  I’m here to make a difference with my photography on a global level.

I was standing at a crossroads and just needed to have the confidence to step in the direction I wanted to go to be a better person, and then to keep going and not look back.  On my path, I’ve been extremely lucky to not only be in the right place at the right time pretty much all the time, but to know I’m aware of that truth above all else.

Where am I today?  I’m here.  I’m on the right path—my path.  I’m looking forward.  I’m tying off the loose ends in my life, some of which I wish to never untie again. I’m riding my bike again.  I’m reading more books again.  I’m enjoying all types of music from the Branford Marsalis Quartet (jazz) to MC Solaar (French rap).  I’m busy and my calendar’s staying full.  New York City has come into my horizon, and it’s my next “right place at the right time,” whether it’s in a week or in two months.  I’ve set my sails for Paris on 1/1/11, and I don’t think anything is going to stop that from happening.  I’m staying up late writing notes on Facebook that probably won’t get read because they’re longer than they should be.  I’m being honest with myself about what I can accomplish and what I really want to do.  Overall, I’m happy again.

I’m a professional photographer, and my name is William Ross.

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